There’s nothing to make a girl feel old like reading the mindset of most of her classmates. It totally shocks me that kids I attend class with don’t remember the Berlin Wall coming down, or the Soviet Union being a secret superpower that we were scared of, or Nelson Mandela being released from prison, or the Tiananmen Square massacre, or Burma! How can I possibly be that much older than half the people I know? I mean, I was only eight when a lot of that stuff happened, but I remember all of it! Of course I didn’t go see the Silence of the Lambs movie when I was a kid, but I definitely remember being grossed out by the poster and seeing it on the theater marquee. And I remember when I’d never even heard of Wal-Mart! I’m only 27, why am I so old?!?!

I really, seriously, truly need to lose weight. A few reasons why.

• I am surrounded by skinny people. Natural ectomorphs, hardcore swimmers, and teens who are too young to have gotten fat yet. (I was that size when I was in college too.)
• My pants do not freaking fit. Seriously, I have like one pair of slacks and one pair of jeans that fit comfortably, and another couple of jeans that fit uncomfortably.
• I weigh as much now as I have ever in my life, and that’s just kind of sad to me.

I don’t need to be a stick figure. I would be happy with - well, at this point I’d be happy with 155-160. I think my real goal would be 135-140…I could be happy being in that range long-term. It’s the doing part of losing weight that is getting me down…I can’t seem to do it.

I just want to vent about my feet.
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My dear friends: polls hate me. All polls hate me. The two remotely hosted solutions I tried didn’t work, and I tried two of the options offered by my host through Fantastico but they didn’t do what I wanted either. And so I have given up the poll option, and I respectfully request that you go leave a comment on the original entry with your choice for what computer game I should get. Even if you already voted - successfully or unsuccessfully - in a poll, please comment and let me know what your vote was for.

I’m tired of feigning normality and happiness. I’m very good at it - in fact so good that I often convince myself that everything is fine (a blessing of ADHD?). But everything is not fine. I have to fake that normality just to keep myself alive and functioning. Sometimes I feel guilty for needing to pretend - my life really isn’t that bad, despite the stress various elements are putting me through. Unfortunately, because of that stress, I’ve been having more hives than usual, including some minor hand swelling. Last night I said out loud, “I wonder why I’m more hivey than usual lately.” A said, “It’s stress, baby.” And she’s right. Just as one is more susceptible to contagious ailments when one is stress, my body is dealing with it by not suppressing its natural urge to attack itself. So for me, stress monitoring is as easy as keeping track of the hives.

I can’t do anything but pretend, though. I have friends and loved ones who are in much more dire circumstances than mine. It wouldn’t be fair to them for me to only worry about myself. If I pretend that I’m okay, then I can focus on helping others around me. That is how I have to live, on a day-to-day basis. When someone asks me “are you okay” I usually answer with some version of “I’m mostly okay” or “almost okay.” What this really means is “most of the time I have convinced myself that I am fine.”

I don’t think there’s anything to be done about this, really. I’m already on antidepressant and antianxiety medication, and I know they work because without them I am much worse than this. I could certainly benefit from seeing a therapist, but the task of finding a suitable person and getting insurance to pay that person is so herculean that I usually postpone starting it at all. I’ve been living like this for a long time now and it’ll work for a while longer.

I laugh so that I forget to cry.
(Note: these are just thoughts in my head. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but I’ll take advice if you have any.)

I don’t know if I’m feeling depressed or not. I know I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I know it’s for no good reason…I’m actually doing better at keeping up with things than I normally do. But I feel like demands I being made on my time and my energy…that’s why I made that pixel doll last night, because it was just an easy excuse to have something to do. I want to avoid everything; I want to just hide under the covers and not have any responsibilities and nothing I’m supposed to do. I really don’t know why I feel like I’m being pulled in sixteen different directions, because I’m not. The most important thing I have to do is get my prescriptions mailed in; I saw my doctor on Tuesday morning and got pretty much all of my meds synchronized. I was able to find the address to mail prescriptions to online, fortunately; I will get them out in tomorrow’s mail. I have so many that I think I will need two stamps!

But I’m still feeling like I want to practice heavy avoidance. It feels worse than usual. I only want to do things that feel good, not things that are hard. And yet all of this is in my head - I am managing to actually get things done, I just don’t want to. Like I said, I’m not sure if I’m feeling depressed or not. Taking my meds on schedule would help, but that’s what sending the prescriptions in will do.

A few sentences: I love having friends. I should have gone to Dyke Night last night. My situation is not as bad as that of some other people I know. I need to get stuff at the mall tonight. I need to figure out where in Toronto I want to go, what things I want to see and do. I was awarded the New*Bee of the Week patch and shroom for the quilting bee. I want to eat real food - I think a trip to Sunflower is in order. I am a little sad about not being able to get married for real. Maybe I should just load up my kayak on the car and paddle for a long time where no one and nothing can touch me.

I am officially grumpy. It’s partly from hunger - I’m trying hard to stick to my diet today. I had a Slim-Fast shake for breakfast and a similar (off-brand) shake for lunch; I am going to have a piece of fruit on the way home and then a smart dinner followed by a cookie or a brownie.

I’m also fed up with the apparent incompetence of every doctor I try to contact. My dermatologist, who is not on my insurance and whom I normally pay out of pocket, recommended that I visit a specific person on my insurance to get a couple of moles removed. I tried to get my PCP’s office to fax a referral over to the other person’s office. That failed a few times. Then when the PCP’s office insisted they had faxed it, the other dermatologist’s office insisted they hadn’t received it. I’ve been trying to get this done since the beginning of December, and I absolutely have to get the moles removed before spring. So I just called my regular dermatologist’s office to ask how much the surgery would actually cost, and of course they can’t tell me exactly. Even if I do manage to get a referral to that other recommended doctor, I would have to visit twice - once for her to say “yup, your main doc was right, you need these two removed” and again for the actual surgery.

I’ve been trying to get in touch with a psychiatrist, too. I want to start seeing a therapist and I have somebody all picked out but my insurance requires me to see a psychiatrist first. I sent the list of local people to my PCP and she e-mailed me back with who she knew and didn’t know. None of the ones she liked are taking new patients, so I’m trying to see somebody I’ve seen before but not for five or six years. I left him a message on Thursday and got no response, so I just now left another message.

And I had to interpret training all day today, so my brain is shot in addition to all this frustration. (I have no idea how I managed to remember to call these people.) Definitely. Officially. Grumpy.

Added: Forgot to mention that the hives are back. They’ve been creeping up on me for about a week, and now I think I’m going to have to take prednisone for a couple of days. Fuck

I took today off from work, and so did my wife. I had to drive her to a doctor appointment this morning, and then we came back home and took a nap. Now I’m dreading having to put away a ton of laundry, take out the trash, etc. It’s my day off! It’s a holiday! Can I go back to sleep please?

This is my first day back at work since THE KILLER FLU and I can tell it is not going to be a fun day. I’m dizzy and lightheaded; food would probably help but I’m a little nauseous too so I really don’t feel like eating. If my client leaves me alone for most of the day I will be happy. I have no tissues and I’m cold and grumpy and I just want to go home and curl up in bed and sleep.

</whine>