I have been so wrapped up in NonFicWriMo writing lately that by the time I’m done with that I don’t feel like writing anything else. But I do want to let people know how I’m doing! I survived the snowstorm just fine, we only got about 12″ which is not as much as they got elsewhere in the DC metro area.

My diet is going okay, but I need to start exercising because my loss has stalled. Good things are happening for me in the world of money management. My host switch is going reasonably well; I have one script that’s not working and I’m waiting to hear back from the author about it. I’m pretty sure everything else has transferred successfully and is up and running.

This weekend is Farpoint, one of the two conventions I interpret for annually up in Hunt Valley. I know that hotel like the back of my hand, it seems! And then Monday is President’s Day, so I will have the day off. I’m working on doing a technical read of an upcoming young adult novel about a deaf girl and a signing chimpanzee; my role is only to evaluate the deaf cultural aspects rather than proofread the whole book. It’s neat being involved in this.

A friend of mine posed the following question in his own journal:

I’m doing a project, and I’d like to hear from all of you why you’re not a Christian. I’m looking for thoughtful, heartfelt replies and not, ‘because I’m Buddhist instead’ - why are you Buddhist and not Christian? Also, please do not send ‘because christianity is dumb’ or ‘christians r dumb’ or ‘u r dumb’.

The easiest answer is because my heritage is Jewish, by genetics and by religion. My uncle had a bar mitzvah and my mom was Jewish until she married a Christian (my stepdad) when I was four years old, at which time we converted to Unitarian Universalism because it was a “middle ground” for my parents. (Okay, this is kind of oversimplifying it, but this isn’t the point.)

I was raised Unitarian Universalist, and I’m glad for it. One thing I like about UUism is the freedom to believe. I don’t want a large faceless entity telling me what to believe and how to think. I choose to make those decisions on my own. Having always been an outsider, my perspective on Christianity is that you must believe a certain way, or something bad is going to happen to you. I sometimes entertain belief in karma (do good and life will reward you) but I also sometimes believe that life is just whatever it is, and sometimes you get stuck with crap. Believing in a negative, though, goes against the hope I have for humanity. Nobody is doomed to any fate, regardless of their sins against society. I don’t condone murder, obviously, but I also don’t think murderers will go to hell - I simply don’t believe in hell.

I don’t believe in God, either. Growing up I was always an agnostic, and I deeply questioned the existence of a “big policeman in the sky.” Today I am an atheist, because I don’t believe in any power higher than myself and other human beings. We are all gods unto ourselves, and there is nothing mystical or supernatural controlling the path of our lives.

I will admit, though, that I sometimes wish I were religious, that I did believe in God. I see people blame God for their illness, the death of a loved one, and other bad things. I would love to have that ability to blame someone other than myself (or bad luck) for things like that. But again, I don’t believe in God, so I pretty much have to figure “well, shit happens” if something isn’t going well for me. However, in addition to envying those who can turn to God for support, I also applaud that they can do so. If someone’s child is dying and they feel praying will help the child get better (in addition to medical care), they should absolutely pray. I don’t begrudge religion or prayer to anyone - I think it is a wonderful resource for many people, it’s just not the thing for me.

Stolen from kethet due to extreme boredom at work.

What is your name?

Meredith

Are you named after anyone?

My Hebrew name is Maya Miriam, which I believe is after my great-grandmother’s Hebrew name. Her “regular” name was Mary.

What’s your screename?

I’m starting to use meredith a lot more now, but usually I go for etoile (read why). On LiveJournal I’m woofiegrrl and on Neopets I’m bunzimus.

Would you name a child of yours after you?

Probably not, mostly because that’s not common for women and because I hated my name as a kid.

If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?

I think my mother has mentioned that it would have been Michael.

If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?

Uh…whoever makes the highest salary so I can start collecting their paychecks.

Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?

OMG d00d, totally! I get “Merideth” a lot, and my last name has one R and two Z’s but people are constantly mixing that up.

Would you drop your last name if you became famous?

Not completely, of course not. Celebrities with only one name are annoying.

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A meme stolen from Neil. Counts down 10 firsts, 9 lasts, 8 “have you evers,” 7 things you are wearing, 6 things you’ve done today, 5 favorite things in no order, 4 people you can tell almost anything to, 3 choices, 2 things to do before you die, and 1 thing you regret.
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I am not wearing makeup, and I haven’t edited out any flaws in my face or anything.

Corset Pose 1, originally uploaded by woofiegrrl.

This is only the second time I’ve tried it on; I can tell that eventually I will be able to take it in much tighter.

Corset Pose 2, originally uploaded by woofiegrrl.

Again, only the second time I’ve worn it; my breasts are actually much bigger than this but the unitard squashes them a bit.

Hey, I forgot all about this! I was going to submit more pictures for my gallery (that link NSFW) and I didn’t get around to it - damn. Anyway, I was nominated to be one of the 12 Babes of Xmas, and I’d actually like to make it onto the calendar. If you would be so kind as to vote for me (I’m on page 6), that would be awesome. It would be great if you used all 12 of your votes for me, but if you must vote for others than I would like to recommend britgeekgrrl, dorei, and leanasidhe. But seriously, vote for me. 12 times, if you please - click once and then reload the result page 11 times!

At the moment I am attempting to juggle social plans for Monday. I have the day off work but A does not, so I am planning to get together with a couple of friends. One is for brunch in Rockville and the other is for lunch at Gallaudet; the problem is that they both want to meet at very similar times! So I am trying to move one up a little and the other down a little and hopefully I can do both, because I really like both people and I would hate to have to change plans altogether because of how rarely I socialize.

I really don’t get out much; any of my local friends can tell you that. I am perfectly happy hiding out at home most of the time; I can go for weeks without doing any real-life socialization. (As opposed to online socialization, of which I do plenty.) I have become a shy person - I wasn’t as a child, but nowadays I don’t know what to say to people half the time and I get embarrassed in social situations. I suppose it might be related to the lack of socialization when I was a kid; for much of elementary and middle school I was primarily a scapegoat because I was two years younger than all my classmates and I think my social development got a bit delayed. (A would certainly agree with this.) When I run into situations where I have two things planned at the same time, I get scared and I want to throw up my hands and cancel everything because it’s just too difficult. That’s certainly a combination of social nervousness and my general anxiety disorder.

Eh, I don’t know. This is mostly just personal musing, I guess, that I’m comfortable sharing with readers.

Ow! My arm! Quit it, pegsioux and preppyperv!
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• Sometimes I don’t realize I’m having an “off day” until later in the afternoon. If I only have minimal interpreting to do all morning, I think everything is fine until I start actually working and I realize something is amiss in my brain.
• I get really philosophical once in a while. Things like “is this really life?” I also would never say “I don’t care what other people think” because I do, I absolutely do.
• I have secrets. Secrets from my family and friends, secrets I have told a very few people about, secrets that hurt to keep. I’ve kept these secrets for many years and I will be keeping them for more.
• My self-esteem, on an emotional basis anyway, is really poor. On some level I know I am worth something, but many of my social interactions, inner thoughts, and personal fears are influenced by a painfully poor self-image.
• I have intellectual (mostly!) crushes on so many people, including people who will be reading this, but also people who won’t. I aspire to be like them, I have loads of respect for them, and I want to get to know them better. But I don’t know how.
• My organizational skills suck a lot. I need to reorganize just about everything in my life, physically and in the digital realm.

Added, but not to LiveJournal:

• This is a bit depressing. In my last 15 posts, I have gotten no comments. I got one comment 18 posts ago, another 20 posts ago, and two comments 38 posts ago, but one of those two was my own. Apparently I am not writing anything worth commenting on, or nobody is actually reading this journal.

I’m tired of feigning normality and happiness. I’m very good at it - in fact so good that I often convince myself that everything is fine (a blessing of ADHD?). But everything is not fine. I have to fake that normality just to keep myself alive and functioning. Sometimes I feel guilty for needing to pretend - my life really isn’t that bad, despite the stress various elements are putting me through. Unfortunately, because of that stress, I’ve been having more hives than usual, including some minor hand swelling. Last night I said out loud, “I wonder why I’m more hivey than usual lately.” A said, “It’s stress, baby.” And she’s right. Just as one is more susceptible to contagious ailments when one is stress, my body is dealing with it by not suppressing its natural urge to attack itself. So for me, stress monitoring is as easy as keeping track of the hives.

I can’t do anything but pretend, though. I have friends and loved ones who are in much more dire circumstances than mine. It wouldn’t be fair to them for me to only worry about myself. If I pretend that I’m okay, then I can focus on helping others around me. That is how I have to live, on a day-to-day basis. When someone asks me “are you okay” I usually answer with some version of “I’m mostly okay” or “almost okay.” What this really means is “most of the time I have convinced myself that I am fine.”

I don’t think there’s anything to be done about this, really. I’m already on antidepressant and antianxiety medication, and I know they work because without them I am much worse than this. I could certainly benefit from seeing a therapist, but the task of finding a suitable person and getting insurance to pay that person is so herculean that I usually postpone starting it at all. I’ve been living like this for a long time now and it’ll work for a while longer.

I laugh so that I forget to cry.
(Note: these are just thoughts in my head. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but I’ll take advice if you have any.)