Once again, the idea of eating meat is on my mind. I’ve been a vegetarian since November 1993, nearly 15 years. For the past five years or so, I’ve thought about eating meat again. I originally became a vegetarian for ethical reasons, I used to do the “I won’t eat anything with a face” thing, but I now feel like it’s just become a habit. I know about being vegetarian is better for the environment and all that, and I like doing things that are good for the environment, but I am just so curious about eating meat again. Today we went to Chutzpah for lunch, and A ordered the matzoh ball soup. Here’s the conversation we had:

Me: So…what does the chicken broth taste like?
Her: Uh…chicken? (pause while I keep peering at her bowl) Do you want some?
Me: Well…I’m thinking about it.
Her: (gets a spoonful of broth ready)
Me: (stares at broth)
Her: It would be the first time you’ve intentionally eaten meat in 15 years.
Her: No! I can’t do it! (resumes eating egg salad sandwich)

I just don’t know. I’d like to open up my diet meal options, there are only so many different foods available from Lean Cuisine and Healthy Choice, etc. I just don’t know. I think about it a lot, actually. I like saving animals, I like saving the planet, but it just feels like a habit I can’t break. I’ve been doing it for 15 years, after all…more than half my life. Is it awful to just try eating a chicken dish from Lean Cuisine? What does it mean if I do? Will I have given up vegetarianism? If I decide I don’t like it, can I really call myself a vegetarian again, if I ate meat deliberately that one time? Will I still love chicken with cashew nuts like I did when I was a little kid? Will it taste good? Will I feel immoral, breaking my long-held beliefs? I just don’t know what to do.

Well, a few people asked me questions. So I have answers!

What is your waist measurement (if that’s not too personal)? It’s *very* pretty.

Right now I honestly don’t know! When I started wearing corsets, I think I was wearing 32″ and probably 35″ natural. Over time I got down to wearing a 24″ but with much more reduction, so probably 28-30″ natural. I’ve probably gone back up, I don’t think I can wear my 26″ anymore, or even my 28″, but I am working on bringing it back down because I miss wearing corsets. I have them in my closet and I see them all the time, so it’s a good motivator! (I can’t afford to buy one that would fit the shape I am now.)

Buttsechs?

On occasion, under specific circumstances.

You posted a lot about your recent diagnosis of permanent hearing loss and that you’ve been reclassified at school. How has that affected your classes and friendships at school?

It’s funny…most of my friends are really happy for me, and at least one of my hearing friends is jealous! Pretty much every time I told somebody, they said “oh congratulations!” or something to that effect. It doesn’t affect my classes or friendships at all since everything is in ASL all the time anyway. In fact, school is the only place having a hearing loss has absolutely no effect whatsoever! Outside of school I’m constantly asking people to repeat themselves, etc - but school is no problem at all. My friends all seem to be pretty much happy for me, though…it’s cute. One of my friends even gave me a big hug when I told him about it.

what’s your favorite food?

Peanut butter all the way. No matter what form it’s in, I love peanut butter. Cookies, cakes, candies, ice cream, pies, soup, main dish, sandwiches…I love peanut butter!

I’ve been thinking more about identity and stuff, with regard to the hearing loss. One person asked me if I was sad or excited, a hearing friend said they would be excited, and another person was surprised I wasn’t excited.

I guess the reason I am on the fence about my feelings is because of my “other life.” I’m pretty sure I’ve talked before about feeling a separation between the person I am at school and the one I am at home and at work. It’s really hard to put into words, but I know it has to do with going home every night…that period of “sorry, I have to leave” is what makes things weird for me.

Anyway, I’m totally fine with having a mild hearing loss, I’m not super-worried about it. But I do want to have it corrected, mostly because it does affect my job. There are plenty of hard of hearing interpreters, so it’s not that strange, but it would be bad if I didn’t get it corrected and still tried to work. It would also make things easier with my family if I didn’t have to keep asking them to repeat themselves. Especially my wife, because she speaks softly as it is, and when she speaks more loudly it sounds like she’s mad. She says that’s just the way she yells, it just comes out that way, but I can’t help feeling worried that she’s annoyed by having to repeat herself multiple times…it DOES sound like she’s annoyed, I’m not imagining that part, but the intent behind it is what’s hard to figure out. I don’t think she would be the type to get mad that I couldn’t hear her, but it’s hard to tell because it does sound like she’s yelling.

So I do have a hearing loss, and as long as it can be corrected for work and family situations, I’m not worried about it. If I had no
familiarity with deafness I might be freaked out, but I know what can be done and I know how to handle it. Come to think of it, I’m not so different from classmates and friends who are perfectly happy being deaf but still wear hearing aids or cochlear implants for visiting their families or going to work. People say “aren’t you excited to have a hearing loss?” Well, yes I am, but I still want to be able to hear adequately in some situations. I think that’s what it is. Yay, I have a hearing loss, great! But can it please be correctable? That’s what I want the answer to.

I have to admit that I felt a little different today in my Deaf Studies class, where the teacher doesn’t know I’m “hearing” - I felt like, if she asked, what would I call myself? Am I still hearing? Am I hard of hearing? Am I late-deafened? (A catch-all term that doesn’t necessarily relate to the amount of hearing loss.) Am I just “losing my hearing?” I don’t feel like I can just say “I’m hearing” anymore, because I am having the experiences of a person with mild hearing loss, I have been told I have a mild hearing loss, etc. So does taking away the phrase “I’m hearing” lend street cred in a similar way that using the phrase “I’m a CODA” does? I’m talking about identity within the Deaf community, not just self-identity or medical identification. I mean, I haven’t felt like a fully hearing person for months now.

A friend of mine compared it to being gay…trying to find one’s identity that way. I guess I can see that as a valid comparison. I
wish I didn’t have to wait so long for my next appointment…it’s only three weeks away, but I want answers now. One thing I know for sure, is that if I get a hearing aid, I am totally getting a hot pink earmold for it. Maybe even with glitter.

Today I finally had my audiogram. It’s really been bothering me that I’m not hearing as well as I used to, so I was very excited about the test. The answer was “hey, you do have a mild hearing loss, but we don’t know why - come back in a few weeks, we’ll stick electrodes on your head, and then figure out where to go from there.”

They’re not sure how much it had to do with the scuba accident. Apparently my eardrums are still flaccid (they used the word “hypermobile”), but oddly enough my middle ear muscle refuses to respond to even very loud sounds. Nearly all my levels are now below normal, and my hearing has dropped a fair bit at 4000Hz. So apparently there is a mild loss, but they don’t know why, it could be several things. In three weeks I will have an Auditory Brainstem Response test. I hope they can help me somehow.

They did suggest that the reason I’m so sensitive to a mild loss is because of my profession. I have no idea…if I weren’t an interpreter, would it still bother me that I can’t hear the TV or my wife? It does bother me that I don’t hear as well as I used to. I want help for that. I don’t care how well I do or don’t hear right now, and I don’t care how they help me. I want to hear like I used to.

Let’s just clarify this a little.
Meredith is the #434 most common female first name
0.033% of females in the US are named Meredith.
Around 40425 US females are named Meredith!

Meridith is the #2776 most common female first name
0.002% of females in the US are named Meridith.
Around 2450 US females are named Meridith!

Merideth is the #3699 most common female first name
0.001% of females in the US are named Merideth.
Around 1225 US females are named Merideth!

That’s right, it’s the four hundred and thirty-fourth most common name. There are more than 40,000 American women with my name. Variants are exceedingly uncommon. So why does everybody get it wrong?! (Thanks to NameStatistics.com for the numbers.)

There’s nothing to make a girl feel old like reading the mindset of most of her classmates. It totally shocks me that kids I attend class with don’t remember the Berlin Wall coming down, or the Soviet Union being a secret superpower that we were scared of, or Nelson Mandela being released from prison, or the Tiananmen Square massacre, or Burma! How can I possibly be that much older than half the people I know? I mean, I was only eight when a lot of that stuff happened, but I remember all of it! Of course I didn’t go see the Silence of the Lambs movie when I was a kid, but I definitely remember being grossed out by the poster and seeing it on the theater marquee. And I remember when I’d never even heard of Wal-Mart! I’m only 27, why am I so old?!?!

As much fun as I’m having in school, as many friends as I have right now, I’m still afraid. It’s not self-esteem this time. My good grades have done wonders for my self-esteem. It’s plain old insecurity.

Maybe part of this stems from not living on campus, but I’m afraid of losing my friends. What’s going to happen next semester? Next year? Will I find myself back in the land of having books as my only friends? Will I study hard and get good grades but find myself alone?

It almost makes me want to run away from school so I forget about the friends before they forget about me. But really, did I come to school for a social life, or for a degree? Shouldn’t I be happy getting A’s even without the friends? Is it just that I have something now that I’ve never had before (ie, friends) and I’m afraid of losing them?

School is my job now. I haven’t had a lot of friends in my previous jobs. Can’t I get by without them? Secretly eating my lunch in the Deaf Stacks of the library, hoping nobody catches me with the food? Or will I just work a lot more hours so I forget about it all?

Why am I so scared, dammit? Maybe I am worth keeping as a friend. I’m smart and I can give advice sometimes and I try to be nice to everybody. So why do I worry like this?

I wrote this on April 5, 2007. Just wanted to look back on it now.

I am so fucking scared. Today I got notification of my raise for passing the CI, which is retroactive to the date I took the test (they didn’t do that for my CT, which was 9 months before I got the results). I am making $51,500/yr. And I’m leaving it to go back to school full time.

Am I fucking insane? I must be crazy. There can be no other explanation.

I’ve agonized over this, I’ve cried over this. I’ve bawled over this. There have been honest-to-goodness real GOVERNMENT jobs for interpreters coming up on USAjobs.gov, and what am I doing? I’m going back to school. I am making $51,500/yr and I am 26 years old. And what am I doing? I’m going back to school.

In-fucking-sane. God DAMN.

And yet this is still the best decision I’ve made in my life. I am so happy now. I am elated to be in school and have friends and learn things. I’m thrilled that I might actually get my degree this time. Seeing how much I was making is still a little shocking, but all that money still couldn’t have bought me happiness. And now I am happy.

Marlee Matlin was named to the Gallaudet Board of Trustees!! *dies*

I’ve started buying clothes for the size-16 woman I am, not the size-8 woman I wish I was. This doesn’t mean I’m giving up, but it means I want to wear cute clothes now and not look like a dork while I’m waiting. Here’s some Torrid stuff I bought.

bought on eBay for $11.50

$16.49 + $34 + $28

Colleen was kind enough to interview me when I commented on her interview post! If you want me to interview you, just leave a comment and let me know.

1. Why did you want a tattoo, and how did you decide on the design?
I think I have always wanted to decorate myself. I would actually get a lot more tattoos if it didn’t cost so much! It took me a long time to decide on my design, and the reason I got the one I did is because I played stringed instruments growing up. I played violin as a kid and double bass as a teenager, and the f-holes from Le Violon d’Ingres called to me. I also especially like that it’s integrated into my body as a whole, not tacked on as an afterthought. After I chose the design, I waited close to a year before actually getting it done.

2. You mention that you want approval on your about me page of your blog. Do you feel that you’re seeking approval when you blog? And if so, by whom?
I think I am always seeking approval, but I blog as much for myself as for anyone else. I enjoy having a record of my thoughts, and I keep up with my blog far more than I ever did with the diaries I had as a kid. That’s probably why I obsessively back up my database - I’m afraid of losing what I’ve written! However, I do love the praise I get sometimes about my quicklinks posts…I never tire of hearing that people like those. I do need to post more good links though, I haven’t been doing that much lately.

3. If you could move anywhere in the world, where would you live?
If money was truly no object, I think I would like to live in Japan. With a ton of cash I wouldn’t need to worry about things that might be culture shock - I could hire somebody to do that stuff for me! And living in the land of Hello Kitty and all things kawaii would just be fantastic. In terms of realistic places to live, I’d probably like Toronto. I’ve only been there once, but it was very attractive to me - there were outdoor activities in the heart of the city, and all kinds of fun stuff around. And of course there’s the bonus of being able to get married, minus the linguistic difficulty of finding a different profession.

4. Who do you miss most in your life?
My friends. I mean that in a very general sense, because I have gone through “cycles” with friends, people who have come into my life and left again. I don’t think I have any lifelong friends that I’m still in contact with; the closest it might come is a girl I knew in high school who I still e-mail on occasion, though we weren’t ever really best friends. But I have had people in my life who meant a great deal to me, and I have lost touch with them, and that makes me sad sometimes. In fact, my really good friends, my best friends, are all people I’ve met online and some of whom I’ve never even met.

5. Do you have any regrets?
I do regret an affair I had a couple of years into my relationship with my wife. We separated temporarily, and fortunately she took me back, because I’ve never loved anyone so much in my entire life. But that affair caused a lot of heartache over the following few years and I don’t think we’ll ever get over it completely…not for a long time anyway. She knows I’ll never do it again - and I won’t - but the pain will take a long time to wash away. (I almost said I regretted not finishing college the first time around, but I truly love my job and my life wouldn’t have taken this path if I hadn’t dropped out when I did…so I’m not sure I really regret that anymore.)