I had a rough day yesterday, part of which was my own fault. I wore Birkenstocks I bought at least six years ago for the first time in a long time, and it made my feet hurt a whole lot by the end of the day.

I’ve been thinking about a few things. I’m thinking about quitting kayaking because I’m not strong enough. We tried to bring the boat to my mom’s house yesterday, but the winds were really strong and I couldn’t secure it down tight enough. We had gotten as far as River Road on the Beltway and I had to pull over and readjust everything. After that I turned around and brought the boat home. I will give it one more try - I’ll try to take it to Lake Anna this coming weekend. If I can’t do that, I may well give up.

I’m thinking about quitting Literotica, too. I have made some friends there but people like Stuponfucious and Marquis hurt me too much for me to keep it up. I can’t put them on an ignore list either, because I’m a moderator and because it’s against my personal principles. So I am thinking about leaving, even if that means they won. I’ll have to talk about it with my co-mod and see what he thinks.

I’m just tired. And I do not have any nice relaxing weekends at home in the near future. I am on my way to the conference, which should be interesting. But anymore I feel like interpreting is the only thing I am remotely good at anyway.

I think I just figured out a lot of what my problem is regarding friendships. I don’t believe enough in my own self-worth or appeal to think that other people would have an interest in being friends with me. I figured this out when accusing a good friend of not being my friend anymore because we don’t talk much anymore except to argue or discuss the professional stuff I’m helping him with. When he said “I have no idea why you say that” I countered with a whole bunch of reasons…and then I realized they were all wrong. I just have so little faith in myself that I have to come up with reasons why other people wouldn’t want to like me.

Damn, I hope I’m able to get in to see this therapist soon.

(By the way, I’m not looking for you to tell me why you like me - though you can if you want! - I’m just musing philosophically about myself and providing a place for you to share related experiences.)

Not to be confusing or anything, but I think about thinking about things. Like right now, I’m thinking about the fact that I’m thinking about writing this entry. It goes on and on in this horrendous circle until I get distracted by something else. I don’t know if anybody else does this or not! As another example, I’ll be planning out a conversation I want to have with someone, and then I start thinking about the fact that I’m planning a conversation, and then I start thinking about the fact that I’m thinking about it…well, you get the idea!