I thought I was going to make it through the day without eating anything off my diet. But I had a couple of bites of pecan pie, and I had more than a few handfuls of trail mix. No wonder I’m not losing any weight at all - I’m still totally sedentary and I’m still eating almost exactly what I should be in order to maintain rather than lose. It pisses me off, it makes me sad. I can’t exercise - I don’t exercise. Maybe I will try again to use the stationary recumbent bike downstairs…but I’m not sure where it went now that the Xmas tree is down there. It’s just downright depressing. I mean, I’m glad I’m not gaining, at least I can maintain, but it’s my own fucking fault that I’m not losing. Aw shit, I’m just depressed.

I don’t know if I’m feeling depressed or not. I know I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I know it’s for no good reason…I’m actually doing better at keeping up with things than I normally do. But I feel like demands I being made on my time and my energy…that’s why I made that pixel doll last night, because it was just an easy excuse to have something to do. I want to avoid everything; I want to just hide under the covers and not have any responsibilities and nothing I’m supposed to do. I really don’t know why I feel like I’m being pulled in sixteen different directions, because I’m not. The most important thing I have to do is get my prescriptions mailed in; I saw my doctor on Tuesday morning and got pretty much all of my meds synchronized. I was able to find the address to mail prescriptions to online, fortunately; I will get them out in tomorrow’s mail. I have so many that I think I will need two stamps!

But I’m still feeling like I want to practice heavy avoidance. It feels worse than usual. I only want to do things that feel good, not things that are hard. And yet all of this is in my head - I am managing to actually get things done, I just don’t want to. Like I said, I’m not sure if I’m feeling depressed or not. Taking my meds on schedule would help, but that’s what sending the prescriptions in will do.

A few sentences: I love having friends. I should have gone to Dyke Night last night. My situation is not as bad as that of some other people I know. I need to get stuff at the mall tonight. I need to figure out where in Toronto I want to go, what things I want to see and do. I was awarded the New*Bee of the Week patch and shroom for the quilting bee. I want to eat real food - I think a trip to Sunflower is in order. I am a little sad about not being able to get married for real. Maybe I should just load up my kayak on the car and paddle for a long time where no one and nothing can touch me.