I wrote this on April 5, 2007. Just wanted to look back on it now.

I am so fucking scared. Today I got notification of my raise for passing the CI, which is retroactive to the date I took the test (they didn’t do that for my CT, which was 9 months before I got the results). I am making $51,500/yr. And I’m leaving it to go back to school full time.

Am I fucking insane? I must be crazy. There can be no other explanation.

I’ve agonized over this, I’ve cried over this. I’ve bawled over this. There have been honest-to-goodness real GOVERNMENT jobs for interpreters coming up on USAjobs.gov, and what am I doing? I’m going back to school. I am making $51,500/yr and I am 26 years old. And what am I doing? I’m going back to school.

In-fucking-sane. God DAMN.

And yet this is still the best decision I’ve made in my life. I am so happy now. I am elated to be in school and have friends and learn things. I’m thrilled that I might actually get my degree this time. Seeing how much I was making is still a little shocking, but all that money still couldn’t have bought me happiness. And now I am happy.

Am I advertising too much? I feel like I might be spending too much time at PayPerPost. At first I thought I would only make a few paid posts per week, but I’ve been doing it much more than that. I’ve made quite a bit of cash from it, but I don’t know how I’m feeling integrity-wise. I’ve been checking my stats and I see that I’m giving the advertisers their money’s worth - people are coming to my site by searching for things I’ve written paid posts about.

I don’t worry about it with my LiveJournal friends, because I created a filter to share posts with them. So the advertising is opt-in there (I’m not getting paid for it, I’m just mirroring posts from my site), and I do get a few comments on those posts.

But I don’t know how my regular readers feel about it. Do you care? Is it turning you off from my site? Would you prefer I did it less frequently, or not at all? I only know a very few people who read my site regularly - probably less than 10 keep up with me on a regular basis, with a few more who are occasional readers.

I know it’s my blog and I can do what I want, but I’ve been been blogging for five years, it’s my favorite hobby, and I don’t want to drive away all my readers. Please chime in - how do you feel about the advertising I’ve been doing on my blog?

I am a little surprised by the furor over the Afghani man who is facing the death penalty for converting to Christianity. His situation reminds me a lot of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, the opposition for which is the belief that individuals should be able to be themselves. The Afghani man could certainly say “okay, okay, I’ll be a Muslim” and then continue to believe whatever he wants, inside. But the American response is that he should be free to be a Christian if he wants. Well, guess what, folks - gay soldiers should be allowed to be gay without having to pretend they’re straight or anything else they want to be.

But the conservatives won’t make the connection. They support this man’s freedom to be an “out” Christian because Christianity is a good thing. Homosexuality, on the other hand, is a bad thing - and so gay people shouldn’t be allowed to be out.

A friend of mine posed the following question in his own journal:

I’m doing a project, and I’d like to hear from all of you why you’re not a Christian. I’m looking for thoughtful, heartfelt replies and not, ‘because I’m Buddhist instead’ - why are you Buddhist and not Christian? Also, please do not send ‘because christianity is dumb’ or ‘christians r dumb’ or ‘u r dumb’.

The easiest answer is because my heritage is Jewish, by genetics and by religion. My uncle had a bar mitzvah and my mom was Jewish until she married a Christian (my stepdad) when I was four years old, at which time we converted to Unitarian Universalism because it was a “middle ground” for my parents. (Okay, this is kind of oversimplifying it, but this isn’t the point.)

I was raised Unitarian Universalist, and I’m glad for it. One thing I like about UUism is the freedom to believe. I don’t want a large faceless entity telling me what to believe and how to think. I choose to make those decisions on my own. Having always been an outsider, my perspective on Christianity is that you must believe a certain way, or something bad is going to happen to you. I sometimes entertain belief in karma (do good and life will reward you) but I also sometimes believe that life is just whatever it is, and sometimes you get stuck with crap. Believing in a negative, though, goes against the hope I have for humanity. Nobody is doomed to any fate, regardless of their sins against society. I don’t condone murder, obviously, but I also don’t think murderers will go to hell - I simply don’t believe in hell.

I don’t believe in God, either. Growing up I was always an agnostic, and I deeply questioned the existence of a “big policeman in the sky.” Today I am an atheist, because I don’t believe in any power higher than myself and other human beings. We are all gods unto ourselves, and there is nothing mystical or supernatural controlling the path of our lives.

I will admit, though, that I sometimes wish I were religious, that I did believe in God. I see people blame God for their illness, the death of a loved one, and other bad things. I would love to have that ability to blame someone other than myself (or bad luck) for things like that. But again, I don’t believe in God, so I pretty much have to figure “well, shit happens” if something isn’t going well for me. However, in addition to envying those who can turn to God for support, I also applaud that they can do so. If someone’s child is dying and they feel praying will help the child get better (in addition to medical care), they should absolutely pray. I don’t begrudge religion or prayer to anyone - I think it is a wonderful resource for many people, it’s just not the thing for me.

A bit of musing even though it’s 1:00 in the morning…and then I shall go to bed.

Most venues for online interaction have a way of keeping a user’s input from reaching your screen. Many forums have an Ignore List feature, LambdaMOO has @gagging, instant messaging services offer block lists, LiveJournal has comment banning, and so forth. I don’t use any of these. My way is actually not recommended, as it requires familiarity with a wide variety of types of online discourse, and a skin that is somewhat thickened. I used to let all kinds of crap affect me online. People would post anonymous comments about me - or even attributed ones - and I’d let it get right to me. I could have used ignoring features, but I didn’t because I was afraid of missing something. Now, it’s more a personal philosophy, and I’ve learned to deal with these comments. I don’t have anyone on my @gaglist or any Ignore Lists, only anonymous comments are blocked on LJ to reduce spam, and I use the blocking feature for IMs only for genuine spammers. It’s not easy learning to deal with those who would annoy you and piss you off. For those who aren’t directing anything specific at you but are just being asshats in general, you have to tune them out. They’re not worth your time. If you read their posts at all, rather than just skimming over them, you can laugh at their idiocy but you have to move on. If someone is attacking you personally, consider the source. The anonymous comments on LambdaMOO bothered me because I thought it might be someone I knew…but I decided it was more likely that they were comments from people who didn’t know me - and if they didn’t know me, they were obviously talking out of their asses and not worth paying any mind.

My personal philosophy of not ignoring anyone isn’t for everybody, and I am vulnerable too. I don’t usually get caught up in flame wars (I’m not the flaming type) or heated debates because I am willing to concede points fairly easily. But things people say to me are still hurtful at times, more so if it’s from an acquaintance who I thought I didn’t have any problems with. (Needless to say, friends don’t do this kind of thing.) I am a peacemaker, and that means trying to make peace with others and also making peace within myself. I don’t need to respond to idiots. I don’t need to listen to jerks. Much of what I read online is from strangers, and I am free to scroll on by.

Incidentally, I don’t think my way is better than using ignore features. If you are willing to use them, and if they help you drown out some of the noise or keep you from getting upset, then by all means use them and they are serving you well. Because I personally choose to not use them doesn’t mean I don’t think they’re a wonderful invention for those who like them.

• I’m worrying about my corset never coming and having been swindled out of $125. I am just too trusting, and this really shows it. I hope my Better Business Bureau complaint helps, and I hope PayPal will reopen the investigation because their 45-day limit for claims shouldn’t apply for a custom item like this. But I hate that I got cheated.
• I’m worrying about the diamond earring that I carelessly dropped down the drain last night. I saw it down there and tried to get it out but it vanished. I took apart the sink, pulled out all the crap in there (two long-haired people make for a messy sink), and tried to paw through it. Now I see why they call it graywater - ewwww. I must have spent at least an hour searching, but I can’t imagine where it went. It was so tiny. It was a gift, and I’m actually more upset about this than you might expect. I haven’t thrown away the hairball yet, maybe if I dry it out or something the earring will turn up. But now I only have five and I’m really upset.
• I’m worrying about working the overtime tonight when I just want to go home and hide in my panic and worries. (It occurs to me that I did not put my anti-anxiety med in my box this week. No wonder I’m a nervous wreck.)
• I’m worrying about having possibly accidentally ordered two free subscriptions to Cruise Travel magazine, in addition to the one I paid for this morning and then canceled this afternoon upon finding the free offers.
• I’m just worrying and sad and all that. And it’s not like any of it even matters. But I just feel like I am having a constant medium-intensity anxiety attack, like I might cry at any time. It’s the lack of meds, I know it is. But I’m still freaked out.
• I’m worried that I will never ever lose any weight.

But I did get The Sims: Superstar for $5 at EB-Games yesterday.

• Sometimes I don’t realize I’m having an “off day” until later in the afternoon. If I only have minimal interpreting to do all morning, I think everything is fine until I start actually working and I realize something is amiss in my brain.
• I get really philosophical once in a while. Things like “is this really life?” I also would never say “I don’t care what other people think” because I do, I absolutely do.
• I have secrets. Secrets from my family and friends, secrets I have told a very few people about, secrets that hurt to keep. I’ve kept these secrets for many years and I will be keeping them for more.
• My self-esteem, on an emotional basis anyway, is really poor. On some level I know I am worth something, but many of my social interactions, inner thoughts, and personal fears are influenced by a painfully poor self-image.
• I have intellectual (mostly!) crushes on so many people, including people who will be reading this, but also people who won’t. I aspire to be like them, I have loads of respect for them, and I want to get to know them better. But I don’t know how.
• My organizational skills suck a lot. I need to reorganize just about everything in my life, physically and in the digital realm.

Added, but not to LiveJournal:

• This is a bit depressing. In my last 15 posts, I have gotten no comments. I got one comment 18 posts ago, another 20 posts ago, and two comments 38 posts ago, but one of those two was my own. Apparently I am not writing anything worth commenting on, or nobody is actually reading this journal.

It occurs to me that there are some people I haven’t heard from in a while who probably don’t realize I’m still thinking about them often and wondering how they’re doing.

preppyperv	aleja	Halsted
gwenzilla	Gilmore	boiswillbebois
oh_chris	zille	Richard
DustyWolfe	Becky	dayzeeedogg

…they are but a few of the friends I miss.

I have a tattoo. Some people would say it’s two tattoos, but they make one piece. (If you haven’t seen my whole tattoo, there’s a picture here.) I like having a tattoo, even if it’s somewhere I see only once in a great while. Sometimes I even forget it’s there, but I do like having it! I got my tattoo in December 1999, and I was supposed to return to the studio six months later to have it touched up. The entire tattoo is black work in rather large sections, and on this type of tattoo (anything with lots of black) it is not perfect the first time - there are shades of gray. Hence, going back for a touch-up; I’m told returning for further touch-ups over the years is also recommended. But I never went back for my first one - the memory of the terrible pain was too fresh in my mind. And as with all things that get dropped at the wayside, I never did make it back for the touch-up.

A friend of mine suggested getting it fixed up this weekend, but I doubt I’ll be goaded into it. That got me thinking about tattoos, though, and I looked up how tattoos work. That article is primarily about artwork tattoos, the “normal” kind, but it makes a passing mention of permanent makeup. I learned that this is also called micropigmentation or dermagraphics. Permanent makeup is commonly seen as eyeliner, eyelashes, and eyebrows (the last one is an approved reconstructive treatment for alopecia patients), but it can also be done on the lips, as cheek blush, or elsewhere on the body. Getting tattoos on one’s lips isn’t unheard of - BMEzine has more than 200 pictures in the lip tattoo gallery, and there are even a dozen tongue tattoos, plus a guy who tattooed his entire tongue blue himself. But I suspect that even the most hardcore body mod fan would shy away from having a tattoo gun only millimeters from their eyeball. There are a couple of process pictures on this page (and the next), and there’s some eyebrow tattoos, but for the most part I believe the only people insane enough to put a tattoo gun anywhere near their eyes are the micropigmentation customers who are getting permanent eyeliner because they don’t have time to put on the real thing in the morning.

I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe lots of people go for having the brim of their eyelid tattooed. Maybe it’s not as painful (they do use topical anesthetic) or as nervewracking as it seems. But fucking hell, it sure sounds crazy to me.