So I was awake all night, right? Working at the hospital? I go to the garage, pay my ticket, have 15 mins to leave. Get to car, can’t find keys in backpack. Oh jeez - forgot I left them in shopping bag upstairs. Trek all the way back, 7-10 mins, with backpack still on back. Look in shopping bag. No keys. What? Look in backpack again, harder. Oh there they are. Walking back to garage now. Nice cashier lady said she would print me another ticket because I have long used up my 15 ninutes. But wow, do I feel stupid. I just had to share.

Okay, in car now. Getting gas so I can make it home. Only $3.59. Fabulous headache that I’ve had since 6pm is still there. At least I have cinnamon gum. Cinnamon gum is good. I go through phases of liking it.

All that ranting last night resulted in something productive. I signed up for Weight Watchers again! I’m only doing the online kind, I would hate going to meetings. My starting weight, this morning, is 199.7 and my goal is 10% which is 180. I’m doing the flex plan, which is how I lost 34 lbs in the past. I thought about doing the core plan, but it’s not particularly vegetarian-friendly and the idea of eating off a food list confuses me. I want to go for simple calorie restriction, and that’s what the flex plan does.

To my great delight, the activity tracker lets you record steps! None of the other diet sites I’ve found do that. It gives you activity points for steps; probably not very many, but at least you get some. So I’ve slapped my pedometer back on andI set my stride length to 2 feet on the site, which is average for women. (My pedometer doesn’t seem to have a way to change stride length so I don’t even know what mine is.)

So yeah, I can do this! I’ve done it before - and never been to a single meeting. The website has done it for me in the past. I’ve done it before, and I can do it again!

So I’m a member of a site called FatSecret.com, which is a funny name but they have good food/exercise tracking tools. It’s similar to SparkPeople (which I’ve used in the past) but has a better look to it IMHO.

I have been hovering at 200 pounds for a long time. I wear size 14/16 on top and 18/20 on bottom. I am surrounded by skinny people constantly at school. I try and try to remember that my weight doesn’t matter, and I love that my friends like me even if I am fat. But I’m not happy. I just can’t be. I want to lose weight.

Partly because I want pretty clothes for cheap. (Lane Bryant has some nice stuff, but it’s so expensive - Torrid too.). Partly because I think the people around me are so much better looking than me. And because this, because that. Isn’t it enough that I’m just not happy?

I dislike when people are on diet sites with a start weight of 111 and a goal of 105. Shut up!! Don’t you realize there’s practically no difference? Don’t you realize you make us ACTUALLY fat people feel like whales? Don’t you realize I would love to be your start weight? And yet I know that every time I have those thoughts, some 350-lb person thinks the EXACT same thing about me. So I try to remember that everybody has to determine their own best weight. (With the possible exception of anorexics, who are incapable of determing their best weight due to mental illness. Have I ever mentioned how much I admire anorexics? Such astonishing willpower.)

I talked about this a little bit with my therapist a month ago. But she probably doesn’t weigh over 115 herself, and I just can’t see talking to someone who I am jealous of, about the thing I am jealous of. No, I don’t know her personal experience, maybe she’s lost 300 pounds in the past. But she’s a grad student, and I suspect she is just a skinny little thing like everybody else at college. And I don’t feel that talking to someone who can’t empathize would be helpful. She was a pretty good therapist (for a student) but talking to her about body image just made me feel embarassed and sick. So I don’t think I’ll go back about that particular issue.

If I had $121/week, I think I’d go back on Diet to Go. Of course I’d have to figure out refrigerator space, but I think it would help. It would at least kickstart me and might even get me to 180, which is my current goal weight. My dream weight used to be 110, which is what I weighed in college (the first time). That’s so unrealistic now that I don’t even think about it. Right now I’d like to be about 140 on a long-term basis. I’m 5′4″ so I think that might be okay. But anyway, yeah, Diet to Go…I miss it. I just don’t have $121/week anymore.

It’s all a willpower issue. I have lost weight before; when I first realized I had begun gaining beyond my college weight, I was 168. I went down to 134 on WW but I can’t get back there. I don’t want to do WW again because it’s too easy to cheat. Maybe I should try an all-frozen-foods diet. I could have waffles, soy patties/sausages/bacon, and Amy’s stuff for breakfast. Then various frozen meals for lunch and dinner. I’m not sure there’s enough variety there, though, and when I tried a tiny nibble of meat a couple of months ago I didn’t like it.

This is all just musing, obviously. I’m just whining, really. I’ve been trying to lose weight since 2002 and food has become an obsession. I think about every bite I take. I write long blog entries like this. I plan meal schedules, and I guilt-trip when I break them (which happens almost daily). I’m tired of all this, but I still can’t stop the desire to lose weight. I think if I could be a size 10/12 I would be so happy and feel better. Blah blah lifestyle change etc, yeah yeah. Sigh.

I’m adding a fifth class this semester. I’m nervous because I’ve always taken only four in the past, but I think I should be able to handle it. It’s the “Scientific and Quantitative Reasoning in Context” class, and the specific subject is “A Psycho-Social and Biological View of HIV/AIDS.” It’s a service learning class, and right now there are only three people in it. I’m signing up because my best girlfriend is in it, and she doesn’t want the class to be canceled! Plus I need a service learning class, I have to take that scientific foo foo class at some point, I want to have a class with my friend, it’s a topic of interest to me (HIV/AIDS education is largely unavailable in the Deaf community), and it fits in my schedule. So it’s all going to work out.

My classes all seem okay so far. Ethics only has two other Honors kids in it, but everyone else seems somewhat bright and participatory. Of course I was the MOST talkative on the first day, because I always have a lot to say! The class turns out to be not only about group inclusion/exclusion in society, but also in sports. I’m a little iffy about that part, I’m not knowledgeable about or interested in sports really, but I think it will be okay.

Sociology is going to be DISMAL. Although I find the topic very interesting, nobody in the class seems interested, they’re all kind of floppy and blah. That is, the kind who wait for others to answer the question because they simply don’t have anything to say about it. Hopefully I’m wrong, but that’s a strong feeling I get from them so far.

Research Methods in History is going to be cool, I like the teacher (his signing has improved a little since last semester!) and to my delight, everyone in the class WANTS to be there. Everybody LIKES history. Sometimes I feel nerdy for liking it, but there are people as nerdy as me in that class! The topic for this semester is going to be the Cold War. We’ll each pick a topic for research, and I hope to pick McCarthyism, because I find it the most interesting part of that era - much more so than foreign policy! I don’t know anybody in the class, which means group stuff will be awkward, but it’s okay.

Deaf Culture is going to be great. The teacher is brand new, he just got his MA and this is his first semester teaching. The syllabus is incomplete and labeled “tentative” but he seems smart so it should be good. I have several friends in the class and many people there are taking it because they’re majoring in Deaf Studies, so there’s going to be real interest and discussion.

I’m trying to decide which of these classes I want to pick for an Honors option. I’m interested in it for Deaf Culture because there’s very little work for that class - most papers are two pages; the final paper is only 10 pages - and also for Sociology, just to combat the boredom that comes from being in a class with people who aren’t excited about the subject. But I don’t know if there’s any benefit to taking more than one Honors option, so I have to figure that out first. I don’t want to create work that is truly unnecessary (you only need one Honors course to stay in Honors) but at the same time, if there’s a reason to do two now, I want to know about it!

My books will probably be in the $200 range. I can handle that.

Not that anybody should actually care, but I got the red skin. Only 5 people liked that, and 12 people preferred the pink one, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted elegant this time around. kdlb, gretchen_marie, serijules, and sunnydale47 all gave great reasons for choosing the pink one, and my wife preferred that one too. But I said “okay, I’ll get the pink one” and then proceeded to look back at some other ones. A said, “why don’t you get the one YOU want instead of what everybody else wants?” So red it was. Who knows, I’ll probably hate it and get a pink one, or try to put the old one back on again. (The reason for getting the new one is supposedly because the old one didn’t transfer perfectly to the new housing…I would say about 35% because it didn’t transfer right and 65% because I just want a new one.)

Of course, if DecalGirl had made this or this or even this into a Curve skin, it wouldn’t have been an issue. I just wanted something pink AND elegant, but they didn’t have it. I might even have gone with this for simplicity’s sake. It was $8.17 vs. $21 for a fully custom MyTego skin, so…yeah. It is what it is.

We have a little strip mall in downtown Vienna with a parking lot MUCH too small for the business its customers provide. So most people park next door, at the Safeway, which has far too much space for ITS customers. There’s a sign saying their lot is only for their customers, but nobody cares. Apparently Safeway finally got tired of it, because now one of the stores in the strip mall has posted a sign saying “Warning: They ARE towing from Safeway!” I thought it was nice of them to put up a sign warning people.

• Hmm. Govt website says my car’s MPG is 23/30, internets in general say 29/34. Big difference…which is it? (2000 Mazda Protege LX/DX) #
• Oh no you DIDN’T take away my comfy chair. Don’t you realize I’m staying here for 12 hours like you? And now I have a barely padded seat? #
• I have several unprintables in mind to describe today’s nurse, but instead I’ll just call her “difficult.” It’s too kind, really. #
• Bluebottle would’ve been great for post by email to Wordpress cuz they do verification of senders but free service is gone, now $10/yr. #
• Holy CRAP. The captcha when signing up for Mail.com is the worst I have ever seen. EVAR. Seriously, go pretend to sign up so you can see. #
• Have i mentioned how much I hate today’s nurse? Well, it bears repeating. #
• T-minus one hour to a chocolate, peanut butter, and banana smoothie. Been wanting for 2 weeks. Today last hospital day, treating myself. #
• Just left my patient for last time. Find myself teary. It’s a 90 min drive but I might come just to visit. Such a good kid. I’ll miss him. #
• @xo_tara_xo Oh man do I ever. Used to do 2 hour mtgs solo and always felt drunk after. Insisted on 30 min break after those, go take break! #
• Sorry Mr. Homeless Man, but I would rather pump my own gas. And no, I don’t have any spare change. I really am sorry about it. #

Watch out Olivia, Sweet is new and growing! I heard about it through a Facebook ad. Right now they have just one offering, but it’s a fully chartered cruise - that is, only Sweet customers will be on board. It’s on Norwegian, which I don’t like, and the prices are jaw-dropping…but hey, it’s about time Olivia got some competition! The Caribbean Spirit Cruise (that’s probably Spirit as in Norwegian Spirit, just in case you thought it meant female spirit or something, though perhaps it’s both) website looks strikingly similar to the Olivia website’s cruise information pages. Two staff members are listed as having worked at Olivia, and that’s the sales manager and the art director. I can’t afford their prices, but it’s great to have something new to count on given what’s going on with Olivia.

I am testing posting by email. It didn’t work earlier today but I
tweaked stuff and it may work now. I wanted set get it set up so I can
post more regularly and turn off the Twitter posts. I was searching
for a way to post from my Blackberry - the regular WordPress admin
works, but it’s ugly - and I came across href="http://www.christinawarren.com/2008/08/08/blackberry-wordpress-client/">this.
While reading the instructions, I went to make sure my installation
was set up to use XML-RPC and I noticed the post-by-email section. Of
course! So I set it up and now I’m testing it out.

• GIANT coffee coolata this morning. I shudder to think of the calories - no, don’t tell me - but I already feel more awake than usual. #
• Did travel agency work on break, booked in-laws on 14nt cruise. Price is lower than orig quote! Will send in room gift as thanks 4 business. #
• Got 3 VHS @ benefit sale for Child Life dept. Cats, Batman (w/Nicholson), & Aristocats. $1 each. Plan 2 convert all 2 DVD soon if I rmbr! #
• Why hasn’t “The Alienist” by Caleb Carr been made into a movie yet? #
• Nobody is surprised by China detaining 6 pro-Tibet protestors, right? Because it seems like an obvious thing. Wrong, but obvious. #
• Anyone familiar w/Wikipedia? Pls fix the age @ death for [[Sidney Leslie Goodwin]] it looks messed up but I can’t edit WP on my phone. #
• For some reason [[Eino Viljami Panula]] is bad too. Maybe my phone’s browser is rendering something oddly? Wouldn’t surprise me. #
• @spamspam 4got 2 add OperaMini back after wipe of Bb. Don’t use much, if could make it default browser I would, but apps default 2 Bb one. #
• 30 mins till go home. Bored. Playing w/phone apps etc. Wish you could run Bb apps from the mem card. 4.5 stands up to multitasking well tho. #
• Been interpreting at Johns Hopkins Hospital for a couple of weeks now, I should watch that ABC series about it. #