I’m going to talk about a serious type of body modification - one that I feel I need. That’s laser hair removal. Okay, it’s not modification in the standard sense, but it is modification. You see, I am a xyrophobe.

I can trace my phobia of razors back to a specific incident when I was a kid. When I was old enough to need to shave under my arms, my mom handed me a disposable razor and sent me on my way. When I finally emerged from the shower, my underarms were bleeding, my fingers were shredded, and I was in a lot of pain - and crying. See, dear old mom forgot to tell me what to do with it. No mention of shaving cream or even soap; no explanation of how to use the razor; no description of how to clean the hairs out of the blades. Of course I tried to do that last bit with my fingers, and heaven knows what I did under my arms.

Since then, I’ve been terrified of shaving. In my later teens I tried using an electric razor but it was still terrifying. I mostly wore long pants all the time and hated anything that might expose my hairy state. When I did shave, I would usually do a terrible job, to the point where I shouldn’t have even bothered. I am pretty much the same way today, which is unfortunate, because I happen to be a fuzzy kind of girl. I have lots of hair in places where my wife has none. And despite having tried for at least 10 years to change my self-perception, I still think the hair is disgusting. So I’m faced with having a lot of hair, which I hate, and no good way of getting rid of it.

I used to go for waxing every so often; I got quite used to the pain and it would last much longer than shaving. That’s a very expensive approach, though; around here it costs upwards of $100 to have everything removed from the neck down. So I quit, and I’ve been living with the hair and hating it. One day a few years back I went for a consultation at a laser removal place, and they said I would be a good candidate because I have dark hair and light skin. They also said it would cost several thousand dollars, so that option was out and remains a near impossibility.

Tonight I thought I would shave myself really well so I could enjoy wearing a bathing suit in California. I won’t go into details, but I was freaked out the whole time and I ended up giving up after about an hour and a half. I would say I got maybe half the job done in that time. After 90 minutes of frustration, I looked in the mirror and decided that the already-shaved thigh looked the same as the unshaved thigh, and I gave up. But I know it’s there, and I don’t like it, and I really want to be rid of all the hair forever.

I know it hurts. I know it takes many treatments and each one of them hurts. There are risks too - it’s possible to be burned, and I’m sure I would get hives from it. (I do from shaving and waxing, anyway.) And of course it would damage my leg tattoos if it got near there, so that part would remain untouched. I know all that stuff. I don’t care. I want to get rid of all my hair. Forever. There’s nothing holding me back except money. And yet I know people who need their car fixed and don’t have the money, or have vet bills and don’t have the money, etc. Plus I owe my own wife money because she’s helping me while I’m in school. To say nothing of the many worthy charities around the world. How can I ask anyone for money for something like this? Will I ever have the $3000 I would need for this? (I’m going by what I remember from the consultation, and adjusting for inflation.)

I’ve tried everything else. I’ve tried not caring, I’ve tried shaving, I’ve tried waxing, I’ve even tried having someone else shave me (and I’ve practiced on one generous body). It’s no good, I’m just phobic, I can’t shave. Getting laser treatment would be more effective than hypnosis which I don’t think would work on me at all. I just want to get rid of all my hair. Please?