I’ve had a rush of thoughts in my head, of course. We have watched some TV, I took a nap for about an hour, and we cried together. I cried a lot, especially after reading a 9/11 edition of the rainbow bridge story. Every time I look out onto the landing from our bedroom, I want to see her there. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a cat sitting in the bedroom doorway just as she did, but it was Truffle. I have so many thoughts that have passed through my mind and I thought about writing them down but I just couldn’t collect them all.

There are several things I want to remember about Wu. How she liked to lick plastic - bags, cellophane, anything. How she wasn’t interested in a toy on the end of a string, but she was quite interested in the string itself. The sound of her wiping her paws on the plastic placemat before taking a drink of water from the bowl. She did that just the other night, and I can still hear it. She was declawed, so she wasn’t allowed outside, but she would sometimes hang around the cat door as if she were threatening to go out. She only got outside on a couple of occasions, and it scared her and she ran right back inside. How she used to demand love RIGHT NOW and would stand on our chests as we sat up in bed, making sure she was all we could see. How she would hide under the stereo table when she didn’t want to be found. How she would meow with great concern when we took a bath with the door closed, and if she was let in how she’d put her paws up on the edge of the tub to make sure we weren’t bathing in poison or something. And her voice - she was such a talker.

I’m so glad I have pictures and video, but I wish I had more pictures. I didn’t realize I had so few.

We brought her home with us from the hospital, and I think we were planning to bury her in the yard. I came to realize, though, that I would rather have her cremated and keep her with us. The hospital had given us the option of collective cremation for $60 or individual cremation for $239, but we ended up finding a place very close to A’s work that will cremate her alone for $140. We bought this urn on eBay for $40 including shipping; we had been torn between that one and this one because her name was Empress Wu, but we decided to go with the more neutral one that was also larger. We have five other cats, you see, and while the idea of collective cremation horrifies me, I can envision all of my cats playing together in there. I am also thinking of getting some jewelry to keep part of Wu with me.

I’m going to go to work tomorrow, because Fridays are my easy day anyway. I’m hoping I won’t have to use vacation pay for the six hours I took off today. We’re still planning to go to a play Saturday afternoon, and I’m still planning to interpret with fairerhiannon at MAL this weekend. But I still feel terrible right now. I don’t even know how to end this so I’ll just leave it at that.