I’m tired of feigning normality and happiness. I’m very good at it - in fact so good that I often convince myself that everything is fine (a blessing of ADHD?). But everything is not fine. I have to fake that normality just to keep myself alive and functioning. Sometimes I feel guilty for needing to pretend - my life really isn’t that bad, despite the stress various elements are putting me through. Unfortunately, because of that stress, I’ve been having more hives than usual, including some minor hand swelling. Last night I said out loud, “I wonder why I’m more hivey than usual lately.” A said, “It’s stress, baby.” And she’s right. Just as one is more susceptible to contagious ailments when one is stress, my body is dealing with it by not suppressing its natural urge to attack itself. So for me, stress monitoring is as easy as keeping track of the hives.

I can’t do anything but pretend, though. I have friends and loved ones who are in much more dire circumstances than mine. It wouldn’t be fair to them for me to only worry about myself. If I pretend that I’m okay, then I can focus on helping others around me. That is how I have to live, on a day-to-day basis. When someone asks me “are you okay” I usually answer with some version of “I’m mostly okay” or “almost okay.” What this really means is “most of the time I have convinced myself that I am fine.”

I don’t think there’s anything to be done about this, really. I’m already on antidepressant and antianxiety medication, and I know they work because without them I am much worse than this. I could certainly benefit from seeing a therapist, but the task of finding a suitable person and getting insurance to pay that person is so herculean that I usually postpone starting it at all. I’ve been living like this for a long time now and it’ll work for a while longer.

I laugh so that I forget to cry.
(Note: these are just thoughts in my head. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, but I’ll take advice if you have any.)