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Tagged with () by Meredith on 09-02-2003

A friend sent me an interesting article called Bi For Now, originally from New York magazine. I don’t especially like the words “hasbian” or “LUG” but I suppose I know what type of women the author is talking about. What bothers me, though, is the suggestion that there are clearly-delineated groups here. I’ll explain what I mean.

Some people think Anne Heche was heterosexual before she met Ellen DeGeneres; Anne may even have thought this herself. When Anne and Ellen were a couple, Anne was called a lesbian. (Ellen’s sexuality was never questioned.) When the couple split up and Anne became romantically involved with a man, she was again called “straight.” For a long time, I was the only person I knew who suggested that hey – maybe she’s bisexual! For reasons I have yet to figure out, nobody considered this possibility.

Amy Sohn’s article allows for bisexuality, but still maintains some distinctions. Some of the women interviewed say they tried being bisexual, but it didn’t work out. One woman, though, expresses my feelings very well. Gender is not a factor. For years now I have maintained that I care more about the person than what they keep in their pants. I have called this “peoplesexual” at times, simply because most people interpret my statement as admitting I’m bisexual. I definitely identify as a lesbian and a dyke, but I refuse to close my mind off to the possibility of a relationship with a man. I’ve even dated a couple of guys, back in high school and college. It just so happens that I feel more emotionally comfortable and better aligned with women than I do with men, but if I were to meet a guy (I’m not single, but if I were) who was right for me I wouldn’t be opposed to a relationship with him. I don’t think I would get to that point, simply because I do feel more comfortable with women.

So there you have it. Yes, I would have a relationship with a man if he were the right person for me. If the right person for me was transgendered, that would be fine too. If the right person for me is a woman, so be it. Call me bisexual if you want to. Call me omnisexual, peoplesexual, a slut, whatever. I prefer to identify as a lesbian, and isn’t it my self-identification that should matter to the rest of you?

Comments

peepingthoughts on 9 February, 2003 at 11:30 pm #

I must do this – *applause*

I’ve never seen anyone who has had expressed as eloquently as you’ve done. I’ve always pondered the similar questions..

James on 10 February, 2003 at 7:42 am #

It seems to me that the biggest issue facing those who would identify themselves as bisexual are those who are adamantly straight and adamantly gay, and therefore refuse to acknowledge the idea that there are a lot of folks out there who fall into the broad spectrum of variable sexuality between those two extremes.

Adamantly straight people — who probably aren’t all that straight, anyway — immediately identify anyone with even the slightest attraction to a member of the same sex as “gay.” Adamantly gay folks — again, who probably aren’t all they purport to be — will often excoriate bisexuals as self-deluding, or otherwise “indecisive” about their sexuality. As if it were all voluntary.

So long as there are sides to be taken, and everyone who shares a like for members of either sex are considered valuable property for the warring parties, there’s never going to be an honest appraisal of human sexuality. I tend to think that there are very, very few truly straight/truly gay people out there, but the sexuality debate has forced classification in that direction.

d kitty on 13 February, 2003 at 6:19 pm #

*much clapping*

Well done.

Roni on 14 February, 2003 at 3:57 pm #

Brava!

SLUT = She Loves Universally Timwit

(I couldn’t find a better t word.)

rickie beth on 15 February, 2003 at 10:31 pm #

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

People seem to be baffled by my bisexuality — therefore I joke that I’m a “lesbian with a man fetish.” It seems to adequately explain my ‘behavior’ (being that I prefer women, but date men because apparently, there’s no single lesbians left in my state) without causing too much protest.

Maybe I’ll print out this page and start carrying it in my wallet whenever people get all inquisitive…

Ren on 17 February, 2003 at 10:38 pm #

Ooohh… I forgot to add a comment when I read this…

Well said, very well said.

Cinnamon on 19 February, 2003 at 8:38 pm #

I completely agree with you, but I’m coming from a different point on the sexuality spectrum. I’ve described myself as latently bisexual to people and they’ve either ignored it, or accused me of not having the guts to have a relationship with a woman. I just haven’t found a woman that made me swoon in quite the same way that my boyfriend (of 7 years) has. But, if we were to part, I think I’d be just as likely to have a girlfriend afterward as a boyfriend. I mean, if a nun who has never had sex knows she’s a lesbian, it’s possible that I could be bisexual even though I’ve never slept with a woman.

Cinnamon on 19 February, 2003 at 8:40 pm #

Chari on 21 February, 2003 at 11:28 am #

No, definitely not slut!

Great post!

John on 23 February, 2003 at 10:28 pm #

I think your view is right on track, but would add a comment. I once had sex with a female friend who was openly lesbian. She said she just wanted to “be sure.” Looking back, it was the best sex I’ve ever had, as neither of us believed it had too be about anything more than mutual enjoyment. My conclusion was that “sex is easy, it’s relationships (gay, straight…whatever) that are hard. I hope you find the ‘person’ with whom you can have both.

Christine on 19 May, 2003 at 3:23 am #

(Ignore me. Just commenting out of hopes of kick-starting your index page to rebuild. If you see a “hacker” page on your site in the morning, replace your index template and it should go away.)

Clare on 16 June, 2003 at 9:25 pm #

Well said!

sweetnpeite on 11 July, 2003 at 12:38 am #

I like what you had to say. I think that “straight” and “gay” are basically social constructs and that we are all bisexual to some degree. Look at teen magazines and every other month there will be a girl admiting to feeling some attraction to a female, and the advice person will be asuring her that it doesn’t mean she’s gay- that we all (boys and girls) find ourselves attracted to the same sex at some point in our lives.

SLUT= sexy lusty uninhibited tart (or tease or tramp)

Bre on 6 August, 2003 at 2:39 am #

Thanks for phrasing things so nicely. I don’t think that the term bisexual describes me any better than gay or straight do, but I really like peoplesexual. I think it is just that. I am not more attracted to one sex or the other; I am simply attracted to certain people. I wish that more people in college would understand it as well as you do.

John on 29 August, 2003 at 8:04 pm #

I think that you are an idiot!

odd on 14 October, 2003 at 6:26 pm #

Don’t ask me what I’m doing here. I think I wandered here from my ex’s page. *yikes* Amazing what you’ll do to avoid reading about digital transmissions. Anyway, I was asked to be on a panel for gender and might pilfer some of your words. People too often confuse sex/sexuality with gender. My first goal will be to separate the 3 ideas. I’m a big ole one side of the spectrum dyke, but totally think, I’m rare. I think most people are more in the grey areas. the way you described you grey area was perfect.

My friend recently told me she was thinking she might be ….oh the dreaded word “bi” I told her to forget the damm label. Make it positive, think of it as that you are just NOT Gender biased. I don’t know she liked it. ok, off to study.

Gigi on 12 November, 2003 at 12:00 am #

Your posts on Lit drew me to your site. It’s been more than insightful reading your words, and a little eye opening realizing that I too have been ‘mislabeling’ myself. I’ve been physically attracted to men all my life, and it hadn’t been until the last 5 years that I realized that I have also been attracted to women.

A couple of years ago I worked at a bakery. The owners were both lesbians, as well as all of the bakers and decorators (seven women in total). One of the decorators, her name was Jen (you remind me of her), was always patient with all of my questions. I asked her one day how she knew that she was a lesbian (and no longer just bi or straight). Her answer to me was that she knew how she felt about women when she realized it wasn’t just a sexual thing… she wanted a deep committed relationship with a woman, and that sex alone wasn’t as gratifying. It had been ages since I’d thought of her or of our conversations together, and having once felt as if I were ‘bi-curious,’ I know now that I want to love and be loved in return… gender I now realize, has never really mattered to me. So thank you for reminding me of her, and for your sage advice to all of us at Lit as well.

erika on 5 January, 2004 at 1:18 pm #

Amen! I wish I had seen this earlier – I just stumbled on it while reading your 100 things. It is EXACTLY how I feel. Before dating the man who would become my husband, I dated pretty much only women and if I had to label myself, it was “women-oriented bisexual.” It pisses me off to no end that people label me, and assume that since I’m married, I must have renounced my lesbian ways and become straight. That’s NOT what it’s about. I love the term peoplesexual. I fall in love with the person – gender comes second.

amelia on 25 January, 2004 at 12:25 am #

Finally, someone has said what I’ve been trying to convey, with no luck, for so long. I wish some people would just get this.

Angelina on 27 April, 2004 at 3:50 pm #

I really like this post. I’ve felt like that for a long itme…that calling myself bi was kind of pointless. I like eho I like, and that’s the way it is. The label seems to help other people better than me.
I linked to your post in a forum – hope it’s ok.
You just said what you did so well.

Anonymous on 28 April, 2004 at 6:46 am #

I felt I had to comunicate my appreciation for your posting. You should get it published, for the insight value alone.
You see, I am a “straight” male (as far as I know) It seemed to me that you are very in touch with who you are. That is a quality that not to many humans have.
Your a breath of fresh air to me.

melanie on 30 May, 2004 at 11:26 pm #

I got here from reading your 100 things, after checking out your site for BB.
My husband is finally beginning (after 6 years) to accept that I am a lesbian. That’s not because I don’t love him, I do, passionately. But I fell in love with him irrespective of his gender. We met online, and I’ve always thought that had we met in life, we’d have been just friends.
It was an odd feeling, realising I’d fallen in love with a man. And like erika, I got really peeved with people assuming that marrying him meant I was no longer lesbian!
I’m rambling. I’ll go away now

Heidi on 17 June, 2004 at 1:20 pm #

Word to you [[totally agrees]]

pagan switch on 18 July, 2004 at 9:34 am #

“Gender is not a factor.”

That’s exactly how I feel. A person’s gender is not a qualification as to whether I might desire or even fall in love with them.

ARmando on 12 August, 2004 at 3:54 pm #

1St and foremost you are a spirit in a physical body. Spirits have no sex, they don’t need them, you only need sex polarity to make another body for a new spirit to drive…or something close to that.

Rivener on 16 November, 2004 at 7:51 pm #

This is very interesting. Thank you for your excellent post.

I identify as bisexual, though I don’t think the label is correct (if you like labels) because I am also attracted to people who do not fit easily into a binary gender system. (Attracted meaning sexually and emotionally, etc.) So your mention of pansexual and omnisexual fits. Should we accept a two gender system? Does it matter to you?

Unlike most of the rest of you I am attracted to a person’s gender as part of who they are. I am not gender blind it’s just that I like many genders. I don’t think it’s easy for a person to simply decide that gender won’t affect their life and isn’t part of who they are (not that I think it is necessarily impossible or that gender is necessarily desirable)

Also, I find it frustrating when people try to define me as hetero when I’m with a guy and lesbian when I’m with a woman. People don’t assume that heteros are straight just because they are with their current partner, so why assume bi people aren’t bi just because they are with a person of one sex or another? (And yes, some people might be ‘confused’ or just exploring and figuring things out. Go for it, more people should. But not everyone who is bi is confused).

oddblog on 14 October, 2003 at 6:50 pm #

http://steeltoed.net/oddblog/archives/000355.html