A friend sent me an interesting article called Bi For Now, originally from New York magazine. I don’t especially like the words “hasbian” or “LUG” but I suppose I know what type of women the author is talking about. What bothers me, though, is the suggestion that there are clearly-delineated groups here. I’ll explain what I mean.
Some people think Anne Heche was heterosexual before she met Ellen DeGeneres; Anne may even have thought this herself. When Anne and Ellen were a couple, Anne was called a lesbian. (Ellen’s sexuality was never questioned.) When the couple split up and Anne became romantically involved with a man, she was again called “straight.” For a long time, I was the only person I knew who suggested that hey – maybe she’s bisexual! For reasons I have yet to figure out, nobody considered this possibility.
Amy Sohn‘s article allows for bisexuality, but still maintains some distinctions. Some of the women interviewed say they tried being bisexual, but it didn’t work out. One woman, though, expresses my feelings very well. Gender is not a factor. For years now I have maintained that I care more about the person than what they keep in their pants. I have called this “peoplesexual” at times, simply because most people interpret my statement as admitting I’m bisexual. I definitely identify as a lesbian and a dyke, but I refuse to close my mind off to the possibility of a relationship with a man. I’ve even dated a couple of guys, back in high school and college. It just so happens that I feel more emotionally comfortable and better aligned with women than I do with men, but if I were to meet a guy (I’m not single, but if I were) who was right for me I wouldn’t be opposed to a relationship with him. I don’t think I would get to that point, simply because I do feel more comfortable with women.
So there you have it. Yes, I would have a relationship with a man if he were the right person for me. If the right person for me was transgendered, that would be fine too. If the right person for me is a woman, so be it. Call me bisexual if you want to. Call me omnisexual, peoplesexual, a slut, whatever. I prefer to identify as a lesbian, and isn’t it my self-identification that should matter to the rest of you?





















by peepingthoughts
09 Feb 2003 at 23:30
I must do this – *applause*
I’ve never seen anyone who has had expressed as eloquently as you’ve done. I’ve always pondered the similar questions..
by James
10 Feb 2003 at 07:42
It seems to me that the biggest issue facing those who would identify themselves as bisexual are those who are adamantly straight and adamantly gay, and therefore refuse to acknowledge the idea that there are a lot of folks out there who fall into the broad spectrum of variable sexuality between those two extremes.
Adamantly straight people — who probably aren’t all that straight, anyway — immediately identify anyone with even the slightest attraction to a member of the same sex as “gay.” Adamantly gay folks — again, who probably aren’t all they purport to be — will often excoriate bisexuals as self-deluding, or otherwise “indecisive” about their sexuality. As if it were all voluntary.
So long as there are sides to be taken, and everyone who shares a like for members of either sex are considered valuable property for the warring parties, there’s never going to be an honest appraisal of human sexuality. I tend to think that there are very, very few truly straight/truly gay people out there, but the sexuality debate has forced classification in that direction.
by d kitty
13 Feb 2003 at 18:19
*much clapping*
Well done.
by Roni
14 Feb 2003 at 15:57
Brava!
SLUT = She Loves Universally Timwit
(I couldn’t find a better t word.)
by rickie beth
15 Feb 2003 at 22:31
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
People seem to be baffled by my bisexuality — therefore I joke that I’m a “lesbian with a man fetish.” It seems to adequately explain my ‘behavior’ (being that I prefer women, but date men because apparently, there’s no single lesbians left in my state) without causing too much protest.
Maybe I’ll print out this page and start carrying it in my wallet whenever people get all inquisitive…
by Ren
17 Feb 2003 at 22:38
Ooohh… I forgot to add a comment when I read this…
Well said, very well said.
by Cinnamon
19 Feb 2003 at 20:38
I completely agree with you, but I’m coming from a different point on the sexuality spectrum. I’ve described myself as latently bisexual to people and they’ve either ignored it, or accused me of not having the guts to have a relationship with a woman. I just haven’t found a woman that made me swoon in quite the same way that my boyfriend (of 7 years) has. But, if we were to part, I think I’d be just as likely to have a girlfriend afterward as a boyfriend. I mean, if a nun who has never had sex knows she’s a lesbian, it’s possible that I could be bisexual even though I’ve never slept with a woman.
by Cinnamon
19 Feb 2003 at 20:40
I completely agree with you, but I’m coming from a different point on the sexuality spectrum. I’ve described myself as latently bisexual to people and they’ve either ignored it, or accused me of not having the guts to have a relationship with a woman. I just haven’t found a woman that made me swoon in quite the same way that my boyfriend (of 7 years) has. But, if we were to part, I think I’d be just as likely to have a girlfriend afterward as a boyfriend. I mean, if a nun who has never had sex knows she’s a lesbian, it’s possible that I could be bisexual even though I’ve never slept with a woman.
by Chari
21 Feb 2003 at 11:28
No, definitely not slut!
Great post!
by John
23 Feb 2003 at 22:28
I think your view is right on track, but would add a comment. I once had sex with a female friend who was openly lesbian. She said she just wanted to “be sure.” Looking back, it was the best sex I’ve ever had, as neither of us believed it had too be about anything more than mutual enjoyment. My conclusion was that “sex is easy, it’s relationships (gay, straight…whatever) that are hard. I hope you find the ‘person’ with whom you can have both.
by Christine
19 May 2003 at 03:23
(Ignore me. Just commenting out of hopes of kick-starting your index page to rebuild. If you see a “hacker” page on your site in the morning, replace your index template and it should go away.)
by Clare
16 Jun 2003 at 21:25
Well said!
by sweetnpeite
11 Jul 2003 at 00:38
I like what you had to say. I think that “straight” and “gay” are basically social constructs and that we are all bisexual to some degree. Look at teen magazines and every other month there will be a girl admiting to feeling some attraction to a female, and the advice person will be asuring her that it doesn’t mean she’s gay- that we all (boys and girls) find ourselves attracted to the same sex at some point in our lives.
SLUT= sexy lusty uninhibited tart (or tease or tramp)
by Bre
06 Aug 2003 at 02:39
Thanks for phrasing things so nicely. I don’t think that the term bisexual describes me any better than gay or straight do, but I really like peoplesexual. I think it is just that. I am not more attracted to one sex or the other; I am simply attracted to certain people. I wish that more people in college would understand it as well as you do.
by John
29 Aug 2003 at 20:04
I think that you are an idiot!
by odd
14 Oct 2003 at 18:26
Don’t ask me what I’m doing here. I think I wandered here from my ex’s page. *yikes* Amazing what you’ll do to avoid reading about digital transmissions. Anyway, I was asked to be on a panel for gender and might pilfer some of your words. People too often confuse sex/sexuality with gender. My first goal will be to separate the 3 ideas. I’m a big ole one side of the spectrum dyke, but totally think, I’m rare. I think most people are more in the grey areas. the way you described you grey area was perfect.
My friend recently told me she was thinking she might be ….oh the dreaded word “bi” I told her to forget the damm label. Make it positive, think of it as that you are just NOT Gender biased. I don’t know she liked it. ok, off to study.
by Gigi
12 Nov 2003 at 00:00
Your posts on Lit drew me to your site. It’s been more than insightful reading your words, and a little eye opening realizing that I too have been ‘mislabeling’ myself. I’ve been physically attracted to men all my life, and it hadn’t been until the last 5 years that I realized that I have also been attracted to women.
A couple of years ago I worked at a bakery. The owners were both lesbians, as well as all of the bakers and decorators (seven women in total). One of the decorators, her name was Jen (you remind me of her), was always patient with all of my questions. I asked her one day how she knew that she was a lesbian (and no longer just bi or straight). Her answer to me was that she knew how she felt about women when she realized it wasn’t just a sexual thing… she wanted a deep committed relationship with a woman, and that sex alone wasn’t as gratifying. It had been ages since I’d thought of her or of our conversations together, and having once felt as if I were ‘bi-curious,’ I know now that I want to love and be loved in return… gender I now realize, has never really mattered to me. So thank you for reminding me of her, and for your sage advice to all of us at Lit as well.
by erika
05 Jan 2004 at 13:18
Amen! I wish I had seen this earlier – I just stumbled on it while reading your 100 things. It is EXACTLY how I feel. Before dating the man who would become my husband, I dated pretty much only women and if I had to label myself, it was “women-oriented bisexual.” It pisses me off to no end that people label me, and assume that since I’m married, I must have renounced my lesbian ways and become straight. That’s NOT what it’s about. I love the term peoplesexual. I fall in love with the person – gender comes second.
by amelia
25 Jan 2004 at 00:25
Finally, someone has said what I’ve been trying to convey, with no luck, for so long. I wish some people would just get this.
by Angelina
27 Apr 2004 at 15:50
I really like this post. I’ve felt like that for a long itme…that calling myself bi was kind of pointless. I like eho I like, and that’s the way it is. The label seems to help other people better than me.
I linked to your post in a forum – hope it’s ok.
You just said what you did so well.
by Anonymous
28 Apr 2004 at 06:46
I felt I had to comunicate my appreciation for your posting. You should get it published, for the insight value alone.
You see, I am a “straight” male (as far as I know) It seemed to me that you are very in touch with who you are. That is a quality that not to many humans have.
Your a breath of fresh air to me.
by melanie
30 May 2004 at 23:26
I got here from reading your 100 things, after checking out your site for BB.
My husband is finally beginning (after 6 years) to accept that I am a lesbian. That’s not because I don’t love him, I do, passionately. But I fell in love with him irrespective of his gender. We met online, and I’ve always thought that had we met in life, we’d have been just friends.
It was an odd feeling, realising I’d fallen in love with a man. And like erika, I got really peeved with people assuming that marrying him meant I was no longer lesbian!
I’m rambling. I’ll go away now
by Heidi
17 Jun 2004 at 13:20
Word to you
[[totally agrees]]
by pagan switch
18 Jul 2004 at 09:34
“Gender is not a factor.”
That’s exactly how I feel. A person’s gender is not a qualification as to whether I might desire or even fall in love with them.
by ARmando
12 Aug 2004 at 15:54
1St and foremost you are a spirit in a physical body. Spirits have no sex, they don’t need them, you only need sex polarity to make another body for a new spirit to drive…or something close to that.
by Rivener
16 Nov 2004 at 19:51
This is very interesting. Thank you for your excellent post.
I identify as bisexual, though I don’t think the label is correct (if you like labels) because I am also attracted to people who do not fit easily into a binary gender system. (Attracted meaning sexually and emotionally, etc.) So your mention of pansexual and omnisexual fits. Should we accept a two gender system? Does it matter to you?
Unlike most of the rest of you I am attracted to a person’s gender as part of who they are. I am not gender blind it’s just that I like many genders. I don’t think it’s easy for a person to simply decide that gender won’t affect their life and isn’t part of who they are (not that I think it is necessarily impossible or that gender is necessarily desirable)
Also, I find it frustrating when people try to define me as hetero when I’m with a guy and lesbian when I’m with a woman. People don’t assume that heteros are straight just because they are with their current partner, so why assume bi people aren’t bi just because they are with a person of one sex or another? (And yes, some people might be ‘confused’ or just exploring and figuring things out. Go for it, more people should. But not everyone who is bi is confused).
Trackback
by oddblog
14 Oct 2003 at 18:50
http://steeltoed.net/oddblog/archives/000355.html
Yeah yeah, I have pages to read, databases to normalize, and web sites to build and hmmm cookies. The latest
Trackback
by oddblog
14 Oct 2003 at 18:51
http://steeltoed.net/oddblog/archives/000355.html
Yeah yeah, I have pages to read, databases to normalize, and web sites to build and hmmm cookies. The latest
Trackback
by oddblog
14 Oct 2003 at 19:09
http://steeltoed.net/oddblog/archives/000355.html
Yeah yeah, I have pages to read, databases to normalize, and web sites to build and hmmm cookies. The latest
Trackback
by oddblog
14 Oct 2003 at 19:10
ProKrastinatin’
Yeah yeah, I have pages to read, databases to normalize, and web sites to build and hmmm cookies. The latest
Trackback
by oddblog
14 Oct 2003 at 19:15
ProKrastinatin’
Yeah yeah, I have pages to read, databases to normalize, and web sites to build and hmmm cookies. The latest
Trackback
by oddblog
14 Oct 2003 at 19:22
ProKrastinatin’
Yeah yeah, I have pages to read, databases to normalize, and web sites to build and hmmm cookies. The latest
Trackback
by DykeWrite Articles
06 Jan 2004 at 18:03
What Makes A Lesbian?
Keeping in mind that I am a firm believer in the fluidity of human sexuality, I’d like to explore the possibility that lesbians are a dying breed.
by red
10 Aug 2005 at 00:20
Very well put, reflects my thoughts very well and that must be right.
I have always pictured human sexuality as a continuim and where you fall on it is purely up to chance. Bisexuality is extremely common, (how else to explain all the married men out cruising men)just not admitted or acted upon. I, personally, have dated women, men and transgendered. All have been valuable experiences that I am very glad I had. Even when the relationship ended acrimoniously, I learned more about myself.
I’m going on too much, thank you for your article.
by Kjell
15 Aug 2005 at 11:44
I wonderfully written comment. Too bad your comments are not published in like op/ed pages. But then it would force people to think outside of their box, be it “straight” or “gay”
Aloha
Pingback
by CyDy Blog » Blog Archive » What Makes a Lesbian?
17 Nov 2006 at 14:52
[...] Obviously, this caught my attention immediately. I’d just been reading [Dykewrite’s] forum thread on bisexuality, and last February I wrote a journal entry on the concept of lesbians becoming bisexual. So I read the Post article, by Laura Sessions Stepp, with keen interest. [...]
by Smileit'sDempsey
12 Jul 2007 at 10:24
wow, i’ve never heard anyone depict it that way before. very interesting. you have a very open mind
by Will Belegon
15 Jul 2007 at 01:01
I love this… I’ve never been in a homosexual relationship, but like you I take the position that I refuse to rule someone out based on gender. I can’t really say it’s irrelevant… I definitely prefer women. But if I fell in love with a man? Who I fall in love with is who I fall in love with. Period.
by Kate
25 Jan 2009 at 14:37
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ARTICLE. I have never been able to explain to my gf how I define myself sexually. I’ve always used vague belief statements like, ‘I think sexuality is fluid’, and ‘I wouldn’t care if it was a guy or girl if I was really attracted to them’. As she’s my first it’s hard for her to believe I’m anything but a lesbian, and I do identify as such when I’m with her. But I have another side to myself as well and I feel trapped in my ‘lesbian identity’ sometimes. If I was ever to break up with her and then date a guy, I can guarantee there’d be a shitshow.